Nina In New York: Graceful Holiday Travel With Your Toddler In 8 Million Easy Steps
A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak
If it 'twas the season a week ago, 'tis totally, fully the season now. And with these December holidays comes traveling! For many of us, with toddlers. Hold on a sec, I'll be done dry heaving in a moment. Those who are newly minted parents or simply parents who've been smart enough not to attempt a voyage until now may be cowed by the notion of crossing the country for several hours inside an airtight metal canister in the sky with a small, insane human. But I'm here to tell you that it's all going to be okay. Everyone does it, and this won't be the last time you have to do it. You'll make it through! Just follow these easy steps and you'll be flying the friendly skies—and not even necessarily having to pay people off to keep them friendly! But, you know, don't rule it out.
Before the trip:
- Buy a pair of child-sized headphones. This will be the best and most important purchase of your life to-date. I don't care if you own a home.
- Between now and your Departure Date (D-Day), buy every travel-sized book, coloring set, craft kit, magnetic game, tiny doll and sticker pack you have the misfortune to come across.
- Buy your child his or her own suitcase/backpack. Get him or her excited about lugging it around all by him or herself. LIKE A REAL GROWN UP.
- Load up your iPad with toddler-friendly programming, games, and e-books with audio narration, which are basically the best thing to hit the book market since . . . well . . . actual books.
- You have now likely matched the cost of your plane ticket in toys, diversions and activities for your precious little
monster. Er, flyer. It may seem crazy, but that's only because it really, really is. - Do not show your child any of the aforementioned purchased items. They must all be saved as phenomenal surprises during the flight. A seemingly endless parade of extraordinary presents and treats.
- Talk to every parent friend you know or happen to meet who has travel experience. Do everything all of them say.
- Stay up nights thinking of all the various ways in which the trip could go south. Turbulence. Ornery neighbor. Diarrhea. Mean flight attendant. Massive delays. Your kid loudly insults someone who winds up sitting next to you. EAR INFECTION. This is productive: it's good to be prepared.
D-Day:
- Depart for the airport four hours early to account for traffic, security delays, security delays caused by your family, diaper fiascos, and sundry temper tantrums.
- Arrive at your gate three hours and forty minutes ahead of your boarding time.
- Stare nervously at your toddler, who is sitting quietly and watching all the action. Wonder how long she can last like this. One hour, maybe two?
- Thirty seconds later, begin taking turns with your spouse walking your child up and down the terminal. You can't all go together because she refuses to pull her own suitcase, which may have something to do with the fact that it's now filled with crap which by no means should you crack out in the airport and blow your load before you've even buckled your seatbelt!
- Apologize profusely to several proprietors of Hudson News kiosks after your child knocks over a display of gum/candy/Dramamine/Chex Mix.
- No, daughter, you cannot have gum. Because you're too young. Because you could choke. Because, because, because.
- Buy your kid a bagel. Buy your kid some crackers. Buy your kid a juice. A keychain. Some raisins.
- Return to gate. Narrowly prevent child from diving headfirst into a gauntlet of at least five arriving flights' worth of passengers streaming into the terminal. Scream and chase her as she darts through legs and wheelie bags in her own, personal game of Frogger and your own, personal version of Hell.
- With child safely back at the gate, deliver a lecture on safety and listening. She's not listening.
- Allow her to "dance" near your seats for a while, which involves a fair amount of wild spinning and flopping around on the floor like a giant tuna desperately searching for a way back overboard. You read the expressions of your fellow passengers-to-be and know you're on the clock.
- The planes! Let's go look at the planes!
- Okay, you thought that might have held more interest. I mean, it really is pretty cool. Come on, kid, let's go see them again.
- Oh, okay. Well, I guess we can open your suitcase and take out one toy. . .
- Wanna color? Wanna sing a song? Play a game?
- Sigh, and slowly remove the iPad and headphones from your bag.
- Six episodes of Dora later, endure a brief yet extraordinarily ill-timed tantrum when you must temporarily remove the device in order to board the plane.
- Nod hello to everyone who is boarding with you as you grip your shrieking toddler around the waist and haul her, red-faced and sweating, down the jet bridge. Smile apologetically. Hey, kids, amirite?! We've all been there, haven't we? Ha ha! Ha. Ha. Hehhhh.
- Immediately deposit child into seat and restore her beloved iPad back to her.
- Check in on her occasionally over the course of the flight to place food and water into her mouth and—if you're feeling lucky—change her diaper.
- Briefly worry that she has now removed her headphones but still only wants to watch the wordless, manic goings-on of the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on the seatback screen in front of her.
- When the flight lands, graciously accept the accolades of strangers who are taken with your child's impeccable behavior. Yes, she's a very good girl. Why thank you. We're all very proud of her.
- Snap your fingers several times in your daughter's face and make her track your pen with her eyes. Ask her to sing a few bars from "The Itsy Bitsy Spider." Oh, thank god. She's still with you.
- Possible brain damage aside, you're home free! Now enjoy your vacation and get ready to do it all over again in a week.
Postscript:
Oh, by the way, your child has now fallen deep, deep down into a terrifying addiction spiral that will only worsen with every passing day that she knows the iPad or any screen may be available to her. You'll want to hide all personal devices, lock them away, put blankets over the televisions, whatever you've got to do. Just don't give in. You know, until the flight back. Yay, you did it!
Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!