What should we say to someone who is grieving?
As Minnesotans rush to support the Annunciation Church and School community, it can be hard to know what to say. And frankly, what not to say.
Death is the hardest thing in life. Now, we are all facing it after the mass shooting that killed two children: Harper Moyski and Fletcher Merkel.
"We are a society that likes to fix things and make things better. And in grief, we can't do that," said Sarah Kroenke, a grief counselor at The Grief Club of Minnesota in Chanhassen.
The Grief Club is a place where clients like the Rydbergs come often. Kelly and Ella Rydberg have been watching the scene unfold at Annunciation from afar.
"It's very heavy because you can put yourselves back in those first days. And you know what it feels like to be in that moment," said Kelly Rydberg.
In 2022, their lively Carver, Minnesota, home suddenly got quieter.
"He was bigger than life," said Kelly Rydberg. "So funny, just had the biggest personality."
Ryan Rydberg had three beloved daughters and a wife of 15 years.
"We had just celebrated his 40th birthday, had a big party, and two months after that had a heart attack," she said.
There was a flood of immediate support. But the words of some were especially comforting to 17-year-old Ella Rydberg.
"I just remember one of my neighbors. I was on my way walking upstairs and he goes, 'Ella,' and looks me in the eyes, but he is like, 'I am so sorry.' You hear from so many people say, 'I am so sorry for your loss,' but few actually mean it. And in that moment, I knew I wasn't alone," said Ella Rydberg.
Kroenke says less can be more.
"Just that presence and simplicity of saying, 'I am here, I care for you, you are not alone can,' make a significant impact," Kroenke said.
When talking to those in grief, she says to avoid three common words: "How are you?"
"That was the worst question," said Kelly Rydberg. "Because right after you lose someone, you are not OK. They just don't know what else to say."
Another phrase to skip: "I can't imagine."
"Because that person couldn't have imagined before they lost their person," Kroenke said.
"You're so strong" is another phrase to stay away from, according to Ella Rydberg.
"Like, I get that that is something that they feel the need to say, but I don't feel strong. You didn't have a choice. I don't have a choice and I don't like when people say that to me."
"The best thing that somebody did for me a couple of days after my husband died, they just came over to me and gave me a hug," said Kelly Rydberg. "I hardly even knew the person. It was a mom of my daughter's friend, and she just walked up to me and gave me a hug. I don't think she even said anything. But that was what landed."
Kelly Rydberg said a few words that could go with a hug are, "I am hurting with you," and "I don't know how you feel, but I am so sorry."
No matter how casually you know someone, the therapist said it's always helpful to show up at a funeral or send a note or text.
Instead of saying, "If you need anything, let me know," take the burden off of them having to ask by just showing up and doing something.